I did a little bit of tweaking, because the music person let me redo it.
Our success criteria was to use..
- Juicy verbs
- Specific nouns
- Adjectives
- Begin a sentence with a juicy verb/specific noun/adjective x4
- Link beginning and end
The audience claps for the first performer. Silence. Then, a bell jingles. I take a deep breath then exhale. Breathe, I think. Just do your best. My palms tingle with sweat as I skip out on the worn, black, desolate stage. Giving myself a pep talk, I think, fake it till you make it. Suddenly, the music plays. My body jolts with adrenaline. I start my routine, unprepared. I finish my dance, and the audience gives a roar of applause. Exhausted, I skip back out into the wings, the bell sounds once more.
Hi Catalina,
ReplyDeleteWriting about a small moment in time is very powerful. This piece of writing proves that you don't need to write pages and pages. Sometimes it's the short pieces that have more impact. This definitely has impact. Well done for achieving your success criteria. Next time, think about using short sentences or even one word sentences such as 'Breathe. Think. Smile. Exhale.' Then move onto a longer sentence. This can create tension or suspense. Great to see you blogging in the holidays. I hear so much about your dancing and I really can't wait to see you perform.
Enjoy your holidays.
Mā te wā,
Mrs Naden
Konichiwa Mrs Naden,
DeleteThank you for the advice and I will definitely use it in the future.
I hope you read my blog again.
Sayōnara,and arigatō
Catalina
Kia ora Catalina,
ReplyDeleteI like the sense of anticipation - I could almost 'feel' sweat tingling. I like the bookends of the bell ringing. This is powerful writing.
Could you find a photo of you performing? The one you have is effective but one of you would be even more so.
Mrs Krausse
Kia ora Mrs Krausse,
DeleteThank you for your extremely positive comment.
Next time I will try to find a photo of me dancing.
I hope you read my blog again.
Ma te wa
Catalina